Cowan.
and it seems,
that the sun’s not all that bright.
it can be put out by the loss of someone,
it is extinguished by a flurry of snow.
why then, are we so concerned with it burning?
who in the first place, said it had to burn at all,
something as fragile as human life?
losing you, the life of the party,
has put the sun to sleep and
turned the rain to glass.
but Sweetness Is Our Business,
and we will stand for you.
corpse/you.
it is forfeit, and
you are faking it.
where do you go to fade into the background?
is it cold where you are?
and i,
ive run out of ways to run from you.
turns out, thats something i just cant do.
nature.
its like sitting on a breaking chair.
you attempt to distribute your weight evenly but end up tilting too much.
topple.
its human nature, i guess,
that when we manage to get ourselves back up, it isnt a new chair we look for.
its a different way to sit.
the way my skin tingles every single time i read, or someone says the word “spine”.
it is a delicate thing, the spine.
filled with enough to keep a human body upright,
filled with too little to withstand a heavy blow.
a self-given nickname
a monument
a fortress.
unlike the others, the spine resides strategically
so that it can be supported by others
without having to stand the weight of
their offering.
a backbone, literal and not
a thing of beauty
a home.
you, my dear spine,
are my delicate thing.
zatturday.
“will you always be my friend?”
she asked with an unsaid “no matter what, no matter how many times i lose my temper, no matter how many times you get sick of me, no matter how many times i get sick of you.”
i didnt even need to think about it.
my answer came as quickly and as surely as a sinking ship.
i realised at that point, that it wasnt just another question friends ask each other to seem sentimental or fill silences.
there was a slight desperation, a fear of loss.
i dont understand why she was afraid, but im not.
and i meant what i said.
“of course.”
last night.
you hold me close, but not too close because of her.
and still, it is barely close enough.
you breathe me in as i do you,
you keep me from falling while you unknowingly feel my skin the way you always have.
and then youre gone, not before you secretly and unintentionally…
oh, how I love you.
do you miss me?
because i miss you.
i miss all of you, and everything that comes after that.
and then youre gone, she has you, and im left watching after you,
looking back hours later to the path you walked, knowing that you’ll not return tonight.
last night, i had a dream you came to me and teased me till i broke.
i kissed you and you begged me not to,
not to make things harder than they need to be.
i asked if you still love me,
you said you are trying not to because you dont want to need me.
i told you its okay to need me; they say everyone needs someone,
and i need you.
last night, you came to me and kissed me.
we slipped back into our mould and nothing could separate us again,
you promised not to separate us again.
i believed you.
i still do.
i would kiss you just to make you beg.
i would.
as if.
to be completely honest, i hate the way she writes about you.
but it is not a hatred borne of insecurity and jealousy.
no, it is instead one that revolves around how little she knows you.
how little she knows, and how much she thinks she knows;
the way she speaks of you as an object,
a possession.
something for her to conquer.
but you are not to be conquered by anyone,
you are a free spirit who’s chosen to grace me and everyone around me with
an illuminating wonder.
yes, you are still the light that guides me home.
sunrise, rise again.
its six oclock again.
it seems like its always six oclock these days.
i am a little more messy than id like to be tonight and i cant figure out why.
there is this strange pull and i feel it not in my heart or head, but on my feet.
i feel as if im being dragged away from home, from familiarity.
dragged into someone else’s subconscious and forced to live their life, work their job, raise their children.
———-
i would like to walk with you again.
i dont care where we’d go, i dont need you to hold my hand.
i just want to walk with you again.
id like my nerves to dance like butterflies again, instead of the weight breathing now puts on the better parts of me.
maybe i shouldve said something earlier, but at that point i was afraid to say anything at all. i constantly felt like if i told you what was happening in my head, it would be the same thing as showing you a locked door and then handing you the key.
unfortunately, thats just what my silence did.
ironic, isnt it? i tried so hard to give you the space you desired hoping it’d lead you home, only to find out that i led you straight into someone else’s home.
———-
sleeping girl, why do you cry?
i hear you when you whisper things to me in secret.
i laugh with you when no one else seems to find you funny.
i take interest in things you classify as mundane but enjoy anyway, just because you choose to.
i understand when you tell me things no one else would care about.
sleeping girl, i hear you when you whisper things to me in secret.
———-
its six oclock again.
it seems like its always six oclock these days.
i dont know where i am or who im meant to look for but i keep walking.
down the street and to the right. take another right and then a quick left.
up the stairs too many flights to count and suddenly, im exactly where im supposed to be.
its like someone knew i was coming; there are seats for me to take a breath before i break the door down.
did you know i was coming?
did you always know id end up here?
im sure you did.
i hear voices coming from behind the door. theyre edging closer and i begin to sweat.
up another flight of steps to take cover in the shadows, but im afraid you’ll recognise my scent.
did i leave my things where you’d see them?
no, no i have them with me.
you wish a stranger goodbye.
a hug that lasts too long for my brain to handle, a kiss that rips into my soul and poisons it with rage.
im not sure if i should run away or stay put until youve vanished into the comfort of a room i still call home.
undecided, i hold my breath and wait for your next move.
and then, unexpected as a hurricane, you are seated beside me, asking me what im doing there.
i tremble in your presence, an uncanny resemblance to a feeling you purged me with so many times before.
it is familiar, but i am afraid.
i lose the ability to speak and all i can manage is a smile.
you lean in to give me one of Your Hugs and i breathe you in; the first full breath ive taken in months.
im sorry for this, but that breath was the first after my coma.
these things dont last, though.
and just as quickly as it began, i am washed away. i call out to you and you instinctively reach out to save me.
youve always wanted to save me, as i you.
only this time, you cant reach me in time because while this is what you really want, youve made a decision to leave me behind and your conflicted heart cant decide what to do so you shrivel up against the wall, bent in half, sobbing into your knees.
and this time, im not there to hold you while you cry.
this time, you set your demons free but theres no one there to keep you safe from them.
they attack you, pecking at your face and hands.
they spit at you and laugh, theyre a slideshow of memories youve tried so hard to throw away.
and this time, im not there to hold you while you cry.
no one is.
not a stranger, not even me.
you’ll have to find your way out of this alone.
but know this,
once you reign victorious over your demons,
ill be there,
ready to break the door down all over again.
ill be there,
just like ive always been.
